You are not alone
by kind.of.a.writer
Summary: Fitz is scared and lonely. But after receiving an unexpected visit in the middle of the night, he realises that maybe there is someone in the team who actually knows how it feels to be broken. Fitz/May and Coulson/Jemma friendship
1. Not the only one

It was quite late, maybe three on the morning, and he was sure he should go to bed and try to sleep. But, what for? To be tortured by nightmares? To let his brain get some rest? His brain was damaged beyond repair. Broken. Just like him. Sometimes he felt as if someone had cut him in two. One part, the one that contained words, had been removed far away from the piece that was communicated with the exterior. A precipice had been opened between both sides, and now it was impossible to cross it.

Yes, he was still the same Fitz as before. The shy young genius who loved monkeys, sandwiches and science. He remembered the words, the accurate way of moving his hands. The problem was that everything he thought, everything that he wanted so badly, did no longer look right for him. Things had changed, but he didn't know if he had to fight the river flow or just let himself go. Being a scientist that theory seemed stupid and absurd for him, but, as he had learned from everything that had happened, things don't always make sense. Especially when it comes to people.

Thinking about it again, his hands began to tremble. He closed his esyes, frustrated, as he tried to stop them. They turned into fists he clenched and then smacked against the table.

"Don't do that" said a voice behind his back.

He turned around, startled. Sitting on one of the steps of the stairs, May was looking at him without making a noise. He wasn't quite sure about how long she had been there. She was wearing black leggings with a wide t-shirt of the same color. She was barefoot, what made him realise that she was actually shorter than Skye, and, just like him, had probably been in her bed before going to the lab.

"Don't make fists" she repeated. "And I'm sorry I scared you"

"Uh, it's fine" he murmured, obeying her.

The situation was somewhat uncomfortable. That was the first time they had talked directly to each other since he had returned. Heck, it was probably the very first time they had held a conversation in private since they had met, leaving the Icer incident asides, of course, and in her eyes he could notice that she was thinking about it too. But there was something comforting in that weird feeling, maybe it was due that it wasn't similar to the last few days he had had. Sometimes it was as if the team had established schedules to go to talk to him about different topics, trying to make him feel a part of it again.

Unlike others, May never came down to the lab or had said to him something that was not work-related. Didn't seem to be waiting for him to say something, not even to wish him to do so. She was not paying time, just gave him the freedom to use his own as needed. It was nice to have some company and, there was no reason to deny it, not being the most silent person in the room for the first time in a while.

The next time he turned around she was gone. Lord, that woman knew how to move literally noiselessly. Fitz continued ordering the laboratory illuminated by a pale lamp, for he had not dared to turn on another light because of the fear that others could discover him, which clearly hadn't worked.

Physics. Biology. Engineering. Chemistry. That was all that haunted his mind while he moved boxes of books, tools and microscopes. He was so engrossed in his work, he didn't think again about May and her mysterious visit. Why would she even go to check on him? Perhaps he had only imagined it ...

About a quarter of an hour later he heard a noise behind him. It was May, returning, this time trying not to be so sneaky and not scare him. In each of his hands had a steaming cup. Tea.

"Peppermint" was all she said, as handed one to him. It wasn't some random cup, it was _his_ cup, the one he used every morning, but how did she even know that? "It helps sometimes"

Fitz nodded, accepting it grateful and taking a small sip. It wasn't too hot or too cold, just perfect, and the warm liquid ran through his body wrapping him in a reassuring feeling. He wanted to thank her, but the word seemed to be stuck in his throat.

"You welcome" She leaned against the wall, drinking from her own cup absently. "Need any help?"

He shook his head, feeling like a fool not knowing what to say. Of course, if he had to be honest, the proposal had taken him by surprise, for as the last thing he expected that night was the secretive specialist to appear and offer him a cup of tea and her help.

He left his drink aside and continued ordering boxes in the lab, in which he now worked alone. He didn't care that she did not speak. Quiet people didn't make him uncomfortable, at the end of the day, he was one of them. Put everything in its place was something he needed to do. Not by an obsessive hobby, but to to keep his mind away from his problem. And from _her_, of course.

Remembering his old partner, the girl he loved so much, a shiver ran down his back. It was like a wind that came from that distant part of his brain, traveling on his weak skeleton and causing his fingers to tremble as if they were a forest of trees that were nothing but a bunch of fragile leafless branches.

"Don't make fists" said May. Her voice remained as monotonous and lacking of emotion as always, but now it sounded closer. "Watch them. Take the control over them"

"I... I can't" the other replied.

The woman took a step in his direction, staying right in front of him. In her eyes, the young genius saw something very different from the expressions of grief that adorned the faces of the rest of the team. He found no longing or pain, not even pity. Only experience. May seemed to understand the thoughts that at that time sailed through his head ... But how?

"Yes, you can" she insisted. "They're your hands, not anyone else's. It doesn't matter what you think. Calm down, inhale in three, exhale in four"

"I can't" he complained again after a few seconds, feeling the tremors become more violent. Within seconds the memories would come back to him and he didn't want her to see him breaking down. May was so strong, so independent ... How is it that seemed to understand what was happening to him?

"Trust me, Fitz" she whispered, taking him out of his thoughts. "I know it's not in my right to ask you this, but trust me"

Fitz nodded once more. He couldn't help but notice that the agent still felt guilty for almost shooting him with the Icer, something that, after everything that had happened next, he had frankly completely forgotten. He took a deep breath and observed his hands, trying to accept the shaking instead of rejecting it. He focused in the way his fingers moved, trying to follow the 'wind'.

"Where does it come from?" asked May.

_It's in my head. Everything is in my head... _thought Fitz, closing his eyes tightly. That scientific part of him didn't stop to insist that it was useless, that it was all because of the damage in his brain. And maybe it was because of that, but the woman really seemed to know what she was talking about.

"Open your eyes"

The young man obeyed. His hands were still in front of him, and found no difficulty in bending his fingers.

"With a little exercise you'll be able to dominate it and stop it, it's only a matter of time and practise" said May, satisfied. She almost seemed to be smiling.

"Tha... Thanks" replied in all honesty. He made a move of turning around to get back to his work, but something stopped him. "How.. how is it that you...?"

This time his rambling wasn't caused by his words problem. He knew what he wanted to know, and how to formulate it, it was just that he wasn't quite sure if it was in his right to ask May that.

"It's not that I'm trying to understand how you feel" her eyes were glued to her cup, not feeling capable to meet his gaze. Her voice was raspy and she swallowed hard before continuing, as it was incredibly hard for her to talk about it. "It happens that I went through something similar in the past"

"Really?... Sorry. I should... mind my own business"

"It's fine" she said. "It's normal to feel curious about it" This time her voice was stained with a bitter irony he'd never heard before but was able to understand. May was a living and sinister legend, anyone would want to know about her story. "And it's true. When... that happened to me... for months I couldn't manage to utter more than five words. Some were too painful, a few wouldn't reach me, and others were simply inside of my head, lacking of any sense or just trapped." Fitz nodded, letting her know that that was exactly how he felt. "It's awfull, isn't it? You can't ask for a cup of tea because you don't remember the flavor or just don't know if that's what you are supposed to do. You can't ask for help, not even say that you are fine so the others will leave you alone... It's the worst"

The young man looked at her curiously, feeling a new form of respect for the agent. He knew what she meant with _that thing_ that had happened to her, Bahrain, as everyone in the agency feared the Cavalry and her story. But now he realized that they only knew her name, not her real person. Talking about her, the people would just judge her without even knowing what she had gone through. Instead of seeing, what they were doing was actually interpret a handful of false rumors invented by a group of teenagers at the Academy. In recent times on the plane, the team had managed to tear part of her mask, destroying her ... facade, yes, that was the word, of the cold and unfeeling killer. She was protected by a hard layer of ice, but her feelings were there. He had seen her concern for Simmons when she had jumped, how had supported Ward, seen the fear on her face when she saw Skye in the hyperbaric chamber and everything she now made for her. Not to mention when they had kidnapped Coulson. And now she was there with him, helping in her own quiet way ...

"Thanks" he finally murmured. "For real"

"It' nothing" replied May, shrugging and taking a sip from her tea. "It's okay to not always be okay"

Fitz sighed. It was a nice thought, and maybe it would help him to get some sleep that night, but knew that sooner or later he would have to stop cleaning the lab, face the others and speak to them, at least try to. But what was the point? _She_ was gone. Ward was a fucking traitor. Skye now had Trip as a friend... who cared about him?

"They're just trying to give you some space. They love you, all they wanna do is helping you" said May. Wow, it was somewhat creepy how she managed to read his thoughts. "But they don't know how. They will hurt you, and sometimes you'll hurt them... But, believe me, we are... your family" she said. "We won't leave you"

"I... I know" he replied. "It's just that... I don't... Maybe I can't... handle this. Things'd be easier if I just... left"

"Yeah, it's true, that'd be easier, at least in theory" May admitted. "But not for forever, neither for you nor for them. I... I deserve what happened to me. You didn't. But I know how you feel and... Trust me, it's not easier nor better walking away" She added in a low tone, this time looking straight into his eyes as she spoke. "The pain doesn't disappear, it just splits in two halves, and from each half it grows an even bigger piece. It's telling you someone who understands. And you and I both know who's dealing with your other half right now. You'll need to let her in, Fitz"

"But she's gone" he said.

"Not for good" May replied. "She'll come back, and you'll need to let her in"

She seemed to be begging him with her eyes. To not walk away like she had done, to not lose the person he loved, his best friend, just like she had lost hers. She didn't want him to lose Jemma just like how she had lost Phil all those years ago. She knew that perhaps she couldn't protect her team from everything, but she was decided to keeping them from breaking down. And from becoming... someone like her. This was Fitz's Bahrain. And she would help him to make it out from it.

For her surprise, Fitz just approached her and put a hand on her arm, squeezing it gently.

"I'll try... And you didn't deserve it" his voice was fragile, yet decided at the same time.

May didn't try to argue with him. She had fought with Phil one and a million times because of the subject, and it wasn't a conversation she was disposed to repeat, especially with the young agent. Acting by an instinct she didn't know she possessed towards him, she hugged him by the shoulders. It was a little awkward, she'd never been good at dealing with people but knew that, one way or another, it was what he needed.

Fitz smiled a bit and rested his head against her arm, feeling exactly the same way. Since his return to the team no one had dared to physically approach him more than necessary. The truth was that, even if he wasn't an enthusiast of touching people, it had hurt that even Skye hadn't hugged him. May doing it was weird. Rare and kind of scary, but also ... nice. Like love; cute yet terrifying. And knowing that May actually cared for him as much as she did for the rest of the team was very nice.

"Thanks" he whispered. "For... everything"

"It was nothing" said the other. She let him go and offered him a small smirk.

"Hey, can I... ask you something?" he asked shyly.

"Yes" said May.

"It was you, wasn't it? The... the cream. Back in the... Bus. You did it"

"I don't know what you're talking about" she answered, looking away.

"It was a good one" the other muttered, making her see that she had been discovered.

"Almost as good as the mop at the door" she replied, with a small wink. Leo looked at her, surprised. "Coulson told me how Ward almost peed his pants with that"

"Oh. Uh, it was... an accident" he admitted.

"Pranks are never accident" The once so distant specialist offered him a little smile. "Now go to sleep. Good night, Fitz"

"Night" he replied. He looked at the boxes again. He would continue the next day, he thought with a sigh. He even promised himself he would ask Skye, Trip or Mack for help.

The next time he turned around May had vanished.

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I don't own anything... Please tell me what you think! Any feedback will be happily accepted :)

Ps: I was thinking about adding a Coulson/Jemma chapter, you know, to see the other side... would you like that?


	2. In my mind

I'm sorry it took me that much to update this... Here is chapter 2! :) Where Coulson can't stop thinking about the woman he loves and helps Jemma with her own problems. Enjoy!

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Whatever he did, no matter what he read or how much he tried to sleep, he couldn't keep his thoughts return again and again to Melinda May.

He loved her. And everyone seemed to know it, but she didn't. He liked seeing her smile helplessly when one of their kids, (yes, they were their kids), did something crazy. He liked how she practiced Tai Chi every morning, so strong and delicate at once.

Every night she went to his office, either for drinking a glass of scotch and talk about the old times or just to do some paperwork, he could not be happier. He knew that he put a stupid grin every time they shared one of their complicity glances, but he let her believed that it was due to a product or an old silly memory full of nostalgia and not to the simple, yet extraordinary fact of her being there.

Sometimes they fought. They hurt each other, mostly with words or dangerous and painful promises. But, at the end of the day, they were there for each other.

On the other hand, sometimes he wondered if she really didn't see how he felt about her or if she just ignored it. To be such an intuitive person, she could be incredibly blind. Not to mention how goddamn stubborn she was.

Damn, he thought, looking at his watch and checking that it already was two on the morning. Now the rest of the team slept, including her. Probably he should sleep, but just couldn't stop thinking about her. His feelings for his old partner had done nothing but grow in recent times. Perhaps it was just that he couldn't hide it anymore.

_She's driving me crazy,_ he complained in his mind, covering his face with his hands and rubbing his eyes. _Why can't she see what I feel? Why can't she let me help her?_

Finally he stood up, deciding that he wouldn't be able to get any rest if he didn't release his rage. But how? The Tai-chi or yoga weren't an option; he would probably break his back. He was so frustrated he didn't even want to read his favorite Captain America edition, to what extent had he come?

He'd like to get drunk. Drink until he could no longer remember her name, but he knew that that wasn't an option. He remember those nights in his old team when John and himself drank for the only thing that can put men in that state; a girl. Or the super bowl. But their team had never been that bad. It wasn't as if John was a hopeless romantic, but even he had fallen in love a few times.

The other thing they used to do, when a bottle wasn't viable because they were in a mission, was going to the gym and beat the crap out of a punchingbag.

_Aren't you too old for that?_ Asked an annoying voice from the back of his head when he realized he was standing up.

Hell no.

He wasn't _that_ old.

He was fit, right? A little rusty, as May used to tell him teasingly when they trained together, but fit.

And he was the freaking director of the freaking agency. He had all the rights to use one of the punchinbags he paid for.

Before thinking about something else, he found himself arriving to the gym. He approached one of the punchinbags and hit it hard.

"Shit!" he exclaimed.

Fine. He was more than a little rusty, okay?

However, pain felt disturbingly comforting. He punched again and again, more carefully now, but with the same energy. How was it? Ah yes, one, two, one, and two...

May. Doesn't. Love me. She had been in love before, and it hadn't worked. What did he have that Andrew couldn't have offered her while they were married? When it was about possibilities, he was pretty much screwed.

He took a deep breath. Pain felt good. Everything was good. He meant a lot to her, a lot, and whatever the hell that meant had to be enough for him. Besides, they were friends. No, they were the best friends in the world. They were a team and as close as they had been before Bahrain; maybe even more. He couldn't ruin what they had for his stupid and selfish and unrequited feelings for May.

"Sir?" said a voice behind him.

He was so focused in his task he almost jumped out of his skin. He turned around and found Jemma, who was watching him shyly at the doorway.

"Is everything, hum, okay?"

"Yes, I'm fine" he muttered, taking a step back. "I just wanted… I couldn't sleep"

The girl nodded. She was wearing leggings and a t-shirt. She had probably gone there to train, what surprised him, for he had never seen her as an exercise enthusiast. She probably was thinking the same about him, though.

"What are you doing here?" he asked her, curious.

"I… Well, sometimes I come here to train when I can't sleep" admitted Simmons, somewhat embarrassed and slightly flushed. "May and Trip have taught me a few techniques, but I'm certainly not as good as Skye"

"That's because the three of them are specialists" replied Coulson, with a small smile. "I always had trouble with that"

"You?"

"Yeah. Maybe you see me now, all old and office-like, but I was a field agent, you know" he leaned on the punchinbag, crossing his arms thoughtfully. "And I think that you would be pretty good as one"

"Me? I don't think so"

"Why not? We work as a team and in a different way, that's all. And you work better with other people"

"Uhm, I guess" she said, shrugging.

"I will teach you, I promise, but not now, because it's too late… You're good at theory, am I wrong?" Jemma shook her head and he smiled. "When I was at the Academy, we had theoretical exams. I was good at it. May, who was a specialist, was a complete mess"

"Really?" she asked. It was hard to imagine May being a mess at something.

"Yeah. She always copied my exams. I let her do it because otherwise she would have failed" he said, smiling at the memory.

"I didn't know that" she commented, as if she had ever had the chance to find it out. "Sir, you're bleeding" she observed, pointing at his hand.

He looked down at it and realized that she was right. His knuckles were bloody and folding his hand it hurt a lot.

"Oh. Well, it's nothing" he muttered, shrugging. He frowned, wondering how he would explain it to May the next day.

"If we go to the lab I can patch it up, sir" said Simmons. "I don't think it's anything serious, nobody will see it tomorrow" she added, as if she could read his mind.

"Okay" the director agreed.

They made their way to the lab in silence. Jemma turned on the light and washed her hands, forcing him to do the same as she took a first-aid kit from a drawer. He sat on a table and she took his right hand, examining it.

"They are only superficial wounds" she commented, more for herself than to him.

She released his hand and grabbed a bottle of alcohol. Soaked a cotton with liquid and cleaned his knuckles gently, trying not to make it sting.

"What were you thinking?" Coulson suddenly asked.

"Excuse me?"

"I meant why you weren't sleeping. You look exhausted and tomorrow is going to be a long day" he murmured. "If I can ask, of course"

"No, it's fine. It's just that…" the girl sighed as she applied a different cram to alleviate the pain. "I was pissed. I don't know"

"Fitz?"

Jemma just nodded. She finished bandaging his right hand and began working in the other.

"I'm afraid he won't let me help him…"

Coulson cursed himself inside. Both had been thinking about their partner, but she just looking for a way to fix things and he to find a reason of why May should love him. Damn, why did he have to be so selfish? However, a part he kept reminding him that he understood what she felt at that moment.

"It's hard, isn't it?" he finally said. "You try to help him, but you don't know how or if he will let you do it. Or if you'll be able to fix it. That's the worst part"

"How can you know that?"

He sighed, putting his bandaged hand on her shoulder. "Because I went through something similar" he confessed. "A lot of years ago"

"For real?"

"For real… It wasn't the same thing, of course, she didn't almost drown or something like that… But she… Something very traumatic happened to her, and it changed her forever. She was my best friend, you know? We were a team, like you and Fitz." Coulson's voice trailed off for a few seconds, lost in the memories and the past. "After what happened to her… I thought I had lost her for good. And somehow I did. She closed up for everyone. Even me. She could barely utter five words and sometimes I was afraid it was too late"

"And how did you know what to do?" whispered the young biochemist.

"Oh, I had no idea" he confessed, shrugging. "But she was my best friend and the most important person to me. I told myself that it was not worth giving up, and I didn't. If she didn't want to talk to me, I'd just stayed with her. If she didn't open the door of her house, I would stay for hours outside. The neighbors got used to see me out there; I think they thought I was a pathetic guy chasing his ex... I cared a damn, of course. Only once, late at night, I thought about forgetting her and move on, as everyone else, including her, had told me to do…"

"And what stopped you?"

"Honestly? I have no idea. But, to begin with, I couldn't stop that from happening even if I was there" he said, scratching his chin as he remembered that awful day. "So, well, I felt guilty and selfish. And, on the other hand… I needed her. I needed her to be by my side, to be a part of my team again… And you need Fitz, am I wrong?"

Simmons shook her head. She put the cream and the kit back in the drawer, feeling a lump in her throat and turning around so he wouldn't see her trembling lip. She never imagined that someone else could understand what was happening to her.

"That is it, then. You can't give up" said Coulson. "I'm not going to lie to you, it's gonna be hard and long. But you'll make it"

"Thank you, sir. It means a lot" she admitted, facing him again.

The director offered her a small smile. They stood up and he gave her a quick hug. She momentarily hid her face in his arms and a couple of tears rolled down her cheek. Ever since he had woken up, she had been scared, terrified, but now she knew that maybe there was a way to work things out, and she wasn't going to give up.

"Now go to sleep, Jemma" he suggested, with a paternal smirk. "You need to get some rest"

"Okay, sir… And, could I ask you one last question?" she asked shyly.

"Sure" he said, stopping by the door.

"I ... I always thought that we would always work together, you know? It was something I took for granted the day we became a team. I figured we'd be seventy and still would continue in the laboratory" she admitted. She could not help blushing slightly; after all, it was something very naive and childish. "We were ... We are a team ... Have you seen her again lately? I mean, it's not that you're seventy, nothing like that" added nervously. "But ... None of us is more than thirty years old and ... I've never seen you with someone your age but May. And you said that... Oh, Lord, I'm sorry. That's none of my business"

Coulson said nothing at first. But then he smiled a bit and nodded.

"Exactly"

Jemma's eyes opened and she couldn't do but open her mouth. That was certainly something she didn't expect. Of course that, on second thought, it was quite obvious

"Oh… I… I'm sorry, sir" she murmured.

"You don't have to apologize for anything. But, can you keep a secret?"

Simmons nodded.

"We met at the Academy, like you and Fitz. We worked as a team when _that_ happened to her. And with _that_¸ I mean Bahrain, the Cavalry story you all like to manipulate so much these days. That day she changed. When she came out of that place she was broken, empty. I thought I had lost her for good"

"Oh, Lord" she muttered. "I had no idea. And, about the story we invented to mess up with Skye… I'm so sorry"

"You don't have to say that to me" said her superior, putting his hand on her shoulder. "Just don't call her like that, okay? And don't tell her we talked about it. She doesn't like it"

"Oh, of course I won't. And I promise"

"Okay… Thanks for the bandage"

"Your welcome" Simmons was about to leave when something stopped her. "Hum, sir?"

"Yes, Jemma?"

"If I can give you any advice, I… You should tell May what you feel" she murmured.

Coulson sighed. Fucking perfect. Now _everyone_ knew it.

"You're pretty obvious…" Jemma continued, then blushed fiercely. "That was completely out of space. I'm sorry, sir"

"Hey, it's fine" he said.

"I'm just… You should tell he" said the girl. "Now that you have the chance. Not when… You have no other option"

Coulson looked into her eyes, seeing the truth and the pain behind her words. He approached her and hugged her again.

"Everything is going to be fine" he whispered in her ear.

"I hope so" she said.

"Okay. Now go to sleep" he said when he pulled apart.

"Fine. Thank you so much for everything. Good night, sir" smiled Jemma.

"Good night"

He watched her disappear down the hall without looking back. Then he made his way back to his room, feeling tired, but more relaxed. As he slid under the sheets of his bed, his thoughts turned once more to Melinda May. She was better, really better, in recent months he had seen her start to heal. However, she was still not quite right, she was still broken. He had to be like Jemma; help her and just stay by her side.

He would be his friend, had being so for decades and was quite good at it. Yes. He would keep his feelings to himself. He would be his friend. He could do that.

Or he couldn't?

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That was chapter 2 :) Please post some reviews! I was thinking about adding one more chapter, what do you think?


	3. About damn time

Here it is, a fluffy ending for the fic. Enjoy!

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Since his conversation with Jemma he had promised himself they would be just friends. And, for a couple of weeks, it seemed as if it had worked.

He had auto-friend-zoned himself, (God, that was pathetic), he no longer called her at night to have a glass of scotch and or just hang out a little, he hadn't let himself spend any time alone with her, and he had stopped thinking about how madly he was in love with her.

But sometimes all of that wasn't enough.

Sometimes he wondered of what would happen if he kissed May. With no explanation or previous words; just walk toward her, hold her face in his hands and just kiss her lips-

He wondered if she would try to kill him.

Or if she would kiss him back.

He also wondered why he wanted _so_ badly to kiss her. They were friends, right? They had been best friends for like, what, thirty years? That was such a long friendship. He shouldn't ruin their relationship because of his feelings. He shouldn't want to kiss her. And he really shouldn't love her either.

But he did.

He did love her. And he did want to kiss her. And, sometimes, he just wished he didn't even care about her anymore.

Loving Audrey had been a lot easier. She was pretty and funny and smart. But she didn't roll her eyes when he made on of his awful jokes. She didn't make sarcastic comments or teased him. She was sweet. She was kind and soft. She was… She wasn't May. Audrey never knew him the way she did. And he never loved her the way he loved May.

Loving May was too damn complicated… Fine, fine, it wasn't. Loving her was so very simple. It was as natural to him as breathing and he needed her as much as he needed oxygen. He loved Melinda May so much it was almost painful. He loved her sarcastic humor, how strong and delicate she was at the same time, how she cared so fiercely for the team, how she'd never hesitate in giving her own life to save any of them… He was helplessly and irretrievably in love with her. And she had no idea.

So yeah, keeping his promise was kind of hard.

He lifted his gaze and his eyes found Captain America's in one of the comics he had brought in case he got bored. He asked himself what his childhood hero would think of him not being brave enough to tell a girl he loved her. But then he remembered that he knew the man and that he thought he was dead and that he had been in love with a cellist.

"May doesn't love me" he said out loud, frowning. "Don't look at me like that, I'm… I'm talking to a comic. Perfect"

The clock on the wall showing the quarter past seven made him decide that it was enough. He loved May and the fact that she didn't love him back was heartbreaking and made him want to die every time he thought about it, but he also needed to work. Working was necessary and a nice distractor. He would talk to his pillow or comic books about May later.

Coulson stood and put back in the drawer the red folder he hadn't even read. He headed to the lab to find Simmons; she had been running some biological tests in another 0-8-4 they had found and he wanted to check the results. Going to the lab hadn't been exactly fun lately, not with Fitz and Simmons not talking to each other and made the tension of the room almost visible. He hoped he wouldn't find them arguing. Again.

However, when he reached the stairs that led toward the lab he ran into May. She was looking down at the laboratory with a small grin. He opened his mouth to make a question, but before he had time to do so she turned her head around to face him and put a finger on her lips. He closed it again and made his way to her side.

Fitz and Simmons were far away from fighting as how Coulson had expected. He was sitting on one of the tables, talking, and even if he did stop a few times and spoke rather slowly none of them seemed upset about it. Jemma was observing some samples in her microscope, but something he had said must have been funny, for she pulled apart to laugh out loud away from the delicate device.

"They look better" May commented, looking at them once more.

"Yeah" he nodded. "They certainly do, It was about damn time, actually"

"Yes... You've been avoiding me" she said.

"No, I've not"

May turned around to face him. She wasn't mad. Maybe a little sad. "Yes, you've been. Is everything okay?"

He sighed. "I've not been avoiding you. It's just that… I needed some time alone"

"But you hate being alone"

"I do. But sometimes it's necessary to stop and make a small pause"

"To think?"

"To stop thinking" Coulson looked away from her, afraid of saying too much if he lose himself in her beautiful brown eyes.

"About what?" she asked. He didn't answer. "I'm sorry. That's none of my business"

They stayed in silence for a while. Their gazes returned to the two young friends. They seemed so relaxed and happy, as if, just for a while, they were anything but a couple of scientist trying to win a fight against some crazy nazi organization. Ah, to be young. He felt jealous of their naivety. Anyway, he couldn't help but remember himself that he still knew how that feels like.

He always felt like that when May was around. And now, having her next to him with their calmed breathing as the only background noise and her warm presence to reassure him was no exception.

"It is part of your business" he said.

"Phil…"

Damn it. He loved when she called him by his name.

"I was… trying to stay away from you" Coulson said. "Sorry, that's not what I meant. But I really needed to stop seeing you… Geez, I mean…"

"Phil is everything okay?" asked May, taking a step in his direction. He could feel her eyes fixed on the back of his head.

Coulson scratched his chin thoughtfully; trying to think of the right way of telling her what was going on. There wasn't. Not without lying. He finally gave up and sighed. "I need to stay away from you in order to stop wishing I was closer"

"What are you talking about?"

"I've not been avoiding you. I've been avoiding standing too close to you. Don't you get it? If you're next to me I don't know what to do or what you want me to do either"

"And what do you want to do?"

"That's not what I said"

"You said you didn't know what I wanted when you're close to me. I'm asking you what you want"

Coulson looked at her again. Her face remained as unreadable as always. He wanted to do a lot of things. He wanted so badly to tell her he was in love with her and kiss her. Just kiss her. And he saw that it would be so easy to hold her face and do it and he knew that they could die tomorrow and that something could happen that night and that maybe he just had that little instant with her before Hydra or something else ruined it and that he'd never get the opportunity to kiss her.

So he just did it.

He held her face in his hands and without saying anything he kissed her.

And she kissed him back.

It was just as how he had imagined it would be. Sweet and warm and passionate at the same time. May grabbed the lapels of his suit and closed her eyes. It was perfect.

"That's what I want to do every time you're close to me" he said when they pulled apart. "And when you're far away too, to be honest… And what do you want to do?"

May let out a small smile and stood on her tiptoes to kiss him again. "Just that"

Coulson smiled. "I love you, May. And I know you don't believe you can be loved. But I do love you, so much it hurts. I've always been in love with you, even back at the Academy, and I always will. I love you so much, May"

"I love you too, Phil" she said and his heart skipped a beat.

"You mean it?"

"I mean it" said May. "I love you. Even if you avoid me to try not to kiss me"

He leaned over her and kissed her.

Bah, who had he tried to fool? He had always loved her. Even when they were at the Academy late at night laughing and eating pizza and trying to study, even when they gave each other advices about dates. Even when she had married Andrew. Even after Bahrain. Even after coming back to death… The only thing he had done all his life was loving her. And he had no regrets about it.

"Oh, Lord" said a voice behind them.

They pulled apart and turned around. Apparently Jemma and Fitz had finished their work in the lab, because now they were at the stairs. Jemma was closer, a big surprised smile framing her opened mouth.

"We were done so we decided to go get something to eat" she said. Fitz nodded. "We'll, uhm, give you guys some privacy"

She winked an eye at Coulson and then walked past them followed by her partner. "It was about damn time" they heard her say before disappearing at the end of the corridor.

"Yes" said Coulson, smiling. "It was about damn time"

So he kissed her again.

* * *

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